Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
You Might Also Like
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Hey i am sexy to you now
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that