When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
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Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay