What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
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You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Mad Max: Furry Road
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you