cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
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I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
#Caturday
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.