You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
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Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist