My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.