Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
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Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.