absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
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*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much