After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
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*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”