Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
12653.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
socratic questions
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?