[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
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Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.