Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
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I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.