My circle of trust is a meatball
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I put the p in pants.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.