Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
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can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.