Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
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If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too