When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
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*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”