Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?