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today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide