five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
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ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣