Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
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You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
incredible
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png