Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
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In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Legend 🤣🤣
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats