I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
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Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
WTF
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
what’s more important?