customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
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Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Well well well…
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.