dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
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My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me