Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*