the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer