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My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda