reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
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Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My life coach traded me.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…