My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
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Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?