You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
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I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair