My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
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Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough