[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
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Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!