He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
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Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]