With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
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Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Ugh but profoundly
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Always the camel, never the toe.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.