i will avenge u mr van gogh
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No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
crazy
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.