“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.