DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
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I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
best first i’ve ever seen
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.