Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
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I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.