I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
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This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Candles never taste the way they smell
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
We avoided this particular disaster
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair