My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
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If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
his wife is probably gonna see that
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.