Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
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My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
just gave your address to some spiders
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
What a chick magnet..
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.