New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.