Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
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Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Oh thanks BBC.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.