Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
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*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.