humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
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Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
A drum solo but on your face.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.