Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
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Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.