A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
You Might Also Like
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]