God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
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Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?