Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.