Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
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The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
#NoRestForTheWicked
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Is your wife single?
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.